Live from the TD Garden in Boston, Massachusetts
Commentators: Michael Cole & Jerry “The King” Lawler
Championship’s roll call: WWE Champion: Alberto Del Rio… World Champion: Mark Henry… Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes… United States Champion: Dolph Ziggler… Tag Team Champions: Air Boom… Diva’s Champion: Beth Phoenix
Three hours tonight… “Raw Gets Rocked”
Jim Ross vs. Michael Cole Michael Cole Challenge: Cole opens the show and says that Jim Ross is there to take the “Michael Cole Challenge”. He announces JR, and it actually is him. There are three challenges and Ross has to win all three and if JR wins he replaces Cole as lead announcer on Raw; they’ve bait-and-switched this for weeks, perhaps to build anticipation? Up first is an arm wrestling competition. We have a referee and Cole looks like he read the heel arm wrestling challenge book because he stalls… forever. He uses jumping jacks, rosin and then yells at JR the entire time. The finally go and JR wins in about a tenth of a second. Cole then admits it was JR’s BBQ breath that cost him that challenge. The second leg of the challenge is a dance competition; Cole does this super cheesy dance with a red scarf. I can’t believe I’m watching this. Ross asks the fans to help out by clapping; he does this awkward dance where he shakes his ass. The fans are quite happy with “gyrating JR”, as Jerry Lawler puts it. Cole is actually impressed; the fans vote, for Ross, obviously. JR is up 2-0; let’s see how they can screw JR over, here. Cole gets in a Boston Red Sox choke joke. The final challenge is “who weighs less”. Really? Cole weighs 200 lbs. and goads the crowd with a “do you believe in miracles”. JR weighs 239 lbs. and therefore loses. Cole announces himself the winner so CM Punk comes out to hopefully save this segment. Punk says his time is up; he calls the segment a “giant colossal waste of time”, except for JR dancing; Punk adds Ross a better announcer. He says the show is unbearable blaming John Laurinaitis, Alberto Del Rio and Cole. He mentions that when he is champion he will do whatever it takes, commentate, ring the bell, hold a camera, etc. to make the show entertaining. Laurinaitis interrupts him and pimps his Twitter page… and his 38,000 followers. Punk says screw you and your 38,000 followers. He books a tag main event with Punk and Big Show facing Del Rio and Mark Henry. Cole demands an apology so Punk applies the Anaconda Vise to wipe Cole out and probably put Jim Ross in the announce booth for the night. 2/10 I’m sorry, I agree with Punk, which was painful. He tried to save the segment but it was too late.
Matt Striker is in the back gushing over a limo that he insists has The Rock inside it but MICK FOLEY gets out! He has on a nifty half Rock half John Cena shirt on.
Kofi Kingston & Sin Cara vs. Cody Rhodes & Hunico: Jim Ross has indeed replaced Michael Cole on commentary. Cody no longer has the mask and has a remix of Smoke and Mirrors (I prefer the original); he cuts a prerecorded promo, acting partially demented, but not “Undashing”. This is one of the rare times a wrestler has gotten a character change while still champion; that usually is reserved for after they lose the title; Hunico also has new Latino gangsta music (and the “H” is now silent in his name). He starts with Sin Cara and they do a quick Lucha sequence with Hunico avoiding the handspring elbow but getting caught in a springboard hurracanrana. Hunico tries to hiptoss Cara over the top but he bounces off the ropes and arm drags him. Kofi gets a tag and leaps off the top with a sledge; he gets a Victory monkey flip and Rhodes runs in but eats a dropkick. Cody falls to the floor so Kofi and Sin Cara leap off the top with stereo a crossbody to both. Back from break, Rhodes hits a standing gourdbuster and Hunico Hilos onto him off a tag and humbles him with a Camel Clutch; Cara frees himself but runs into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. The commentators are obsessed with Twitter and Mick Foley trending as Hunico and Rhodes work over Sin Cara in the corner; Hunico tries another tilt-a-whirl backbreaker but Cara switches, nicely mid-move, into a hurracanrana cradle, for two. Hunico applies a chinlock. Rhodes tags in and eats hurracanrana. Kingston tags in and flies all over the place with dropkicks and a springboard crossbody. Hunico runs in but gets quickly extricated; Sin Cara hits a twisting pescado. Kingston counters Cross Rhodes once, but not twice, and Rhodes gets the pinfall. 4.5/10 Pretty decent little tag match there; Kofi, who will be job boy until Evan Bourne returns takes the predictable pinfall; let’s see how Cody does with basically no gimmick for a while, perhaps he’ll bring back some “dashing” parts of his character.
OMG! The Rock is in the back! I fainted.
Santino Marella is in the locker room playing WWE ‘12 when Zack Ryder enters and asks him to sign the online petition to get him a US Title shot. They argue over who is better John Cena or The Rock. Marella calls Cena, “John Chaina”. They agree to disagree and Santino signs the petition on Ryder’s iPhone, which has a Zack Ryder iPhone case.
Back in the arena, Vickie Guerrero announces Christian’s ankle injury (legit) as well as his neck injury from Big Show (kayfabe). She announces that… Dolph Ziggler interrupts her to announce that he is the replacement. He says he is “officially” in action at Survivor Series and promises Mason Ryan a taste of what is in store for Team Orton tonight.
Mason Ryan vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/Vickie Guerrero): Pre-match, John Laurinaitis brings an injured Michael Cole back to the announce table, and ejects Jim Ross. Ryan tosses Ziggler around until Dolph slaps him in his face, and then he really tosses him around. Ryan hits a clothesline and a huge boot; he press slams Ziggler. Vickie hops up on the apron and slaps Ryan, drawing a DQ. Post-match, Ziggler runs away but John Morrison shows up and tosses Dolph back in to Ryan; he applies a wrenching full nelson into a full nelson bomb. 3/10 Protecting both guys leads to a nothing match; I like the DQ off the slap, for the simple reason that the referee saw it and it should be a disqualification. This match proved that Ryan is not to be messed with. Remember, my ratings for the matches are not just match quality alone but storyline quality as well, hence the higher score for basically a minute of Mason Ryan offense.
In the back Mick Foley runs into Zack Ryder and fist pumps with him and gets him to sign the online petition.
Here comes Mick Foley, making his return to the WWE, in his signature red flannel. He says there is no place like home and pimps the Survivor Series. He hopes that John Cena and The Rock can put their differences aside to form “The Rock and Cena Connection”. Foley calls Cena one of the greatest performers in WWE history and is going to try to “make things right”. He introduces Cena, who is getting booed in his hometown; they shake. Cena says that he and the Rock don’t have to be friends; he says he selected the Rock as his partner for all the classic reasons (electrifying, great one, etc.). Foley says that their relationship (he and Cena) is more based in mutual respect; Cena agrees and respects Foley. Back in 2006, Foley watched Cena and wrote him a note that Cena is respectful in the back, which makes him a hell of a man. Foley mentions that he started a “firestorm of controversy” on Twitter, demanding fans begin to appreciate John Cena’s better matches. Mick shows off his half Rock, half Cena shirt and wants to bring the two of them together. Foley shows off the “John Cena: This is Your Life” and we get an “over emotionally powerful” (Mick’s words) video tribute; Foley brings out his little league coach, Will Grey. Cena does not look pleased; Grey tells a story of Cena… striking out (looking) in an important little league game, apparently Cena cried. Foley next brings back former running buddy, B-Squared, Bull Buchanan and he is actually there. I see where this is going; Buchanan says Cena was the best tag partner ever. He calls him one of the greatest superstars of all time and… he got fired, divorced, lost all of his money in a Ponzi scheme and his dog bit him and gave him rabies, ending his career, and then says that Cena ruined his life. Foley then brings out Cena’s father, John Cena, Sr., to the ring. He chastises the fans for chanting “Cena sucks” and then yells at them for insulting his son. He adds little children love him, so the cool people, boo him. John Cena adds “well now they definitely are” and quiets his father and tell him this is not the time for this. Cena corrects Foley and says the ring is his life, regardless of boos or cheers; Cena calls the segment worse than the Gobbledy Gooker so the Rock finally comes out and Rock Bottoms Foley! …and then leaves, his music never stopped too which was funny. 4/10 That went waaaaay too long; the Rock’s causally wandering out, with music blaring the entire time, to end the segment with a Rock Bottom was funny but not enough to totally compensate for the previous fifteen minutes of train wreck. If that was anyone, this side of Hulk Hogan or Steve Austin, other than the Rock and Mick Foley, this segment would probably be “worst promo of the year”. I know it was mirroring Foley’s “Rock: This is Your Life” promo (which was the highest rated segment in Raw history)… but that one went way too long as well.
Sheamus vs. Jack Swagger (w/Vickie Guerrero): Shamus is in all green trunks for Boston; here we have another Survivor Series Team Orton/Team Barrett preview match. They lock up and Sheamus takes Swagger down with a headlock takeover and then a shoulderblock. Swagger takes Sheamus down with a go-behind; Sheamus comes back with a clothesline and knees on the mat. He clotheslines Swagger to the floor; back from break, Sheamus has him entangled in the ropes for clubbering. He hits a rarely used vertical suplex, for two; Swagger mounts a comeback, E. Honda torpedoing his leg out and follows up with a shoulderblock. Swagger applies a double armlock and Sheamus quickly powers back but gets planted with a belly-to-belly suplex; he applies an armbar. Swagger roughs him up more with short forearms to the back but Sheamus fires back with a clothesline. The comeback begins with Irish Hammers and clubbing forearms in the corner, Oklahoma powerslam gets a nearfall; he looks for the Celtic Cross but Swagger slips off and hits a clothesline to the back of the neck. SWAGGER BOMB! …sets up the ankle lock, Sheamus kicks him off, tumbling Swagger to the floor; he reenters… right into the Irish Curse. The Brogue kick continues Sheamus’ winning ways. 6/10 Not a bad battle there, Sheamus carries on his winning and perhaps it will lead to a babyface run with the title. Swagger, continues to put on competent matches with major stars, perhaps the alliance with Vickie will lead to a serious run with a title, however the other guy in the Guerrero stable could make a similar claim, and there aren’t enough heavyweight titles to go around, plus said titles have been in the hands of heels for a while, so there are going to be lengthy babyface runs mixed in.
Zack Ryder is talking to the Bella Twins who blow him off in favor of Alberto Del Rio. Are you serious, bro? Del Rio says that he has important meeting with John Laurinaitis but following his win, at Survivor Series, there will be a huge party in NYC. Ryder butts in and invites them all to a fist-pumping party on “The LI” and everyone walks off on him.
Kelly Kelly (w/Eve Torres & Alicia Fox) vs. Natalya (w/Beth Phoenix): Gee… I wonder who’s jobbing here? Kelly has a Tom Brady Patriots jersey on which makes me hate her. Nattie uses a back-leg trip to floor Kelly and her tiny red shorts. Alicia is looking very Mod on the floor. Natalya misses a shoulderblock in the corner and eats the Stink Face; Beth hops up on the apron, drawing the babyfaces up as well, which allows Natalya to leg sweep her into a Sharpshooter attempt but, as usual, [insert Barbie babyface diva’s name here], in this case, Kelly Kelly cradles her for the pinfall. 1.5/10 Carbon copy Natalya jobs match; I do not think that she has won a singles match since she turned heel.
In his office John Laurinaitis is using more cellphone minutes to tell Brodus Clay not to debut this week. Why are they building so much anticipation to Clay’s “debut”? It’s not like we’ve seen him before… on NXT… on WWE Superstars… in Alberto Del Rio’s corner at WrestleMania… speaking of Del Rio he walks in to tell Laurinaitis he made the cover of Hombre magazine. Jonny Ace asks him why he’s let CM Punk embarrass him in the past few weeks and adds that he is impartial, yet fears Punk as champion. Del Rio says that Punk won’t even make it to Survivor Series and promises that he will be champion longer than Laurinaitis is the General Manager. Elsewhere, after a Survivor Series card rundown, Matt Striker asks Awesome Truth if they feel overshadowed. They ignore the question so Striker asks if they feel disrespected. Again, no reply so he asks what they can do to get John Cena and The Rock’s attention at Survivor Series, they walk off silently. Then, Punk is headed to the ring for his tag match but Del Rio attacks him and sends him headfirst into a WWE production truck.
CM Punk & Big Show vs. Alberto Del Rio & Mark Henry (w/Ricardo Rodriguez): Henry has a new “Hall of Pain” shirt on; Punk holds his shoulder on his way to the ring. Show starts with Del Rio and dominates with a bodyslam and shush chops in the corner. Punk tags in and knees Alberto in the corner; he stamps a mudhole and refuses to let up. Punk hits a nice snap-suplex and tags Show back in. Del Rio scampers to his corner and tags in Henry and we have the Survivor Series battle of the behemoths preview. They lock up in a test-of-strength, which Henry wins; they lock up again, Henry wins again. Show removes his WMD shirt and now is ready… and finally wins the lockup battle, shoving Henry on his ass. Show attacks with head-butts and tries a slam but collapses under Henry’s weight. That spot looked incorrect, since the bigger looking man collapsed under the smaller looking man’s weight, but it does show to the crowd, that Henry is (possibly) as big as the Big Show; Henry gets a nearfall. With Show down, Henry unloads with head-butts and tags in Del Rio, who kicks away on Show. They quick tag on Show and keep him on his back. Show battles back on Henry, head-butting him to nearly no effect, so he utilizes a running shoulderblock to knock him down. Show cocks the right hand for the WMD but Henry tags out. Del Rio’s all, “what the hell?” The heels argue over it as we head to break. Back from commercial, Del Rio and Punk are both down; Henry gets the tag, Punk does not, and we have another heat segment. Michael Cole is all psyched up, not happy with Punk putting his arm in a sling with the Anaconda Vise, at the top of the show. Henry STANDS on his chest and tags in Alberto who hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker; quick tags abound as Henry and Del Rio work over Punk. Henry levels him with head-butt as the fans chant for the semi-antihero “CM Punk”. Del Rio returns and applies an armbar; they have a pugilistic battle where Punk wins and fires back with a leg lariat and swinging neckbreaker. Henry runs… right into a roundhouse kick, Big Show lumbers in to add his own kick to floor Henry. Referee Scott Armstrong puts Big Show out and completely misses CM Punk attempting a springboard move to Del Rio; Henry, recovers, shoves Alberto aside, and then CATCHES Punk in midair, right into the World’s Strongest Slam. Show runs back in and wipes Henry with a shoulderblock. Henry posts Show on the floor as Del Rio crawls to the pinfall and gets the win. Post-match, Del Rio applies the cross-arm breaker and refuses to relinquish it until Big Show returns his aid. 7/10 Good match, excellent ending; I’m sure there will be those who complain about Punk jobbing cleanly after a long delay between World’s Strongest Slam and actual pinfall, I say that Henry’s the World Champion and has been on a tear so his finisher should be overly protected and should knock Punk or Big Show (or Randy Orton or anyone else) out for a while. Del Rio getting the sneaky pinfall was good and gaining extra heat with the post-match shenanigans.
WWE reshows The Rock nailing Mick Foley with the Rock Bottom. The commentators admit that that entire segment was terrible, save for the Rock’s involvement.
Santino Marella comes to the ring (surprisingly not to job) and begs forgiveness for interrupting; he says that “in this-a very buldings he came-a this close to winning the Royal Rumbles”. He blames that “sum-of-a-gun” Alberto Del Rio for robbing him. He says he is putting his career back on the “tracks” but gets interrupted by Kevin Nash. Santino asks him to please not beat him up to make a statement. Nash says he is a Marella fan; he mentions the Royal Rumble and asks him to do the Santino Trombino and then, predictably, boots him the face. Nash rants about blowing the roof off of the building at said Rumble and that Triple H did not resign him; but HHH is not there now but he is, Jackknife to Santino. 4/10 We all knew that was going to happen once we heard the n.W.o. theme kick on.
Jonah Hill guest stars on Raw next week, who looks so weird since he lost all of the weight.
Randy Orton (w/Sheamus, Kofi Kingston, Mason Ryan & Sin Cara) vs. Wade Barrett (w/Cody Rhodes, Hunico, Jack Swagger & Dolph Ziggler): This is a Survivor Series team captain rematch from SmackDown. Pre-match, Barrett says that Orton is the past and he is the present and future; he brags about defeating Orton and Sheamus in consecutive weeks. I don’t see this ending cleanly. Orton kicks Barrett’s gut at the bell and hits a vertical suplex; Randy drops a floating knee for a one count. He busts out the BOOTLACE EYE RAKE (perhaps in honor of the late Eddie Guerrero); Barrett reverses a whip into the swinging Bossman Slam. A hammer-toss puts Orton down in the corner allowing Barrett stomps. He applies a chinlock, which goes on for a while. Orton applies a backdrop suplex to free himself and then clotheslines his way back and then hits the scoop powerslam. Viper DDT! Orton fires up and… Cody Rhodes runs in for the disqualification. Post-match, a huge brawl erupts. All of the heels get extricated from the ring, Ziggler via Brogue Kick off the apron. Hunico is the only one remaining in the ring and eats an RKO; then Mason Ryan press-slams Hunico, over the top, onto the rest of Team Barrett. 6.5/10 That’s how you go-home to a Survivor Series match; as for the match itself, it was okay, but the message and build was good, hence the higher score for a five minute match.
Can The Rock save this show from being an overly long, average show? The Rock eats breakfast at 3:30am, not a Fruity Pebble in sight, worked out, and then shot G.I. Joe: Retaliation in New Orleans at 6am but all the while could not wait to get to Boston for Raw. He runs into a security guard at Logan Airport who calls him a “wicked pissah”; Rock admits that the Rock has great aim, which takes the fans a few to grasp. He finally says… FINALLY, the Rock has come back to Boston. He turns to Survivor Series… but that is not “right now”. Apparently the Rock lives in “right now”, thank God, otherwise he’d exist in some parallel universe. Yes, I watch Morgan Freeman’s: Through the Wormhole on the Science Channel. He tells Mick Foley that he simply had to Rock Bottom him to end that crappy segment. Fans chant, “thank you, Rock” to which he replies “you’re welcome”. He calls himself the most electrifying Twitter-tainer; when he Tweets, “boots to asses” for example, it trends worldwide. He pauses and the fans chant “boots to asses”, it’s amazing how he has the crowd in the palm of his hand every time he cuts a promo. The Rock ain’t waiting six days and wants to deliver “an awesome as whuppin’ to Awesome Truth… right now”. The Miz and R-Truth head out to the ring. Really? Really? Truth says that Rock is delusional if he thinks that he is putting their hands on them; he calls “Raw Gets Rocked” a joke and says when they’re on the show it’s… awesome! Miz doesn’t care about what the Rock does or tends, but they do care about leaving him a beaten quivering mess. Truth wants to get it on now, but Miz holds him back, stating that’s not gonna happen right now because that’s what the Rock (and the people) want. Awesome Truth wants to make their impact at Survivor Series… and that’s the truth. Fans chant “boots to asses” again as John Cena decides to add his two cents to this. They divide lines, Rock and Cena don’t even look at each other, and John gets a shot in on all of the Rock’s satellite appearances. Rock fires back with, “you’ll have to excuse the Rock’s partner since he’s never had the support of someone who has reached puberty.” Rock makes fun of Cena’s “Rise above hate” slogan and says he should be leery of the Rock’s sixe 15 boot rising up “and kicking him right in his lady parts.” PG. Cena says that they need to be a team and if Rock’s ego is too big at Survivor Series, “Cena bitch slaps Rock” will be trending worldwide [on Twitter]. Miz finally gets a word in, yeah there are opponents in the ring Rock and Cena, he says really a lot. He rants on that Awesome Truth is an afterthought; Truth says that “Little Johnny and Little Rocky wanna go back and forth [to entertain] all the Little Jimmys”, have a blast, they’ll see them Sunday. Fans chant “boots to asses” and the Rock and Cena oblige. Truth eats a Rock Bottom. Cena hoists Miz on his shoulders for an AA but the Rock pulls him down and Rock Bottoms Miz as well, and then leaves. Rock heads to the stage and mimics the “you can’t see me gesture” as Cena looks on in puzzlement. 5.5/10 Yeah we know, Rock’s great on the mic but this promo was all of the usual stuff… from everyone involved. Awesome Truth complained that they are treated as an afterthought… and they are afterthoughts. This was a good promo to cap off an average show.
OVERALL 5/10 As I stared earlier, everything here is the definition of average; the WWE had all this time and delivered a basic show, nothing grotesquely awful, yet nothing mind-blowing, for all of the endorsing that it got. They could have omitted the entire Cena/Foley segment and cut the Mason Ryan/Dolph Ziggler out, and had a perfectly acceptable two hour show; I’ve noticed, since these three hour marathon shows are as long as a friggin’ PPV, are rarely exceptional, perhaps with all of that time, the bar is set much higher, possibly too high, because the show never seems to reach it. Yeah, the Rock delivered and that’s what the show was predicated on… but that’s the last, twenty minute, segment; what’s the excuse for the remaining, somewhat pedestrian, two hours and forty minutes?